I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
