3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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