hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
