Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
