I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
