Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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