Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
