recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
