I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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