I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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