Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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