I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
