well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
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I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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