i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
it's like heaven, but drunker
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
