My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
