You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
