I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
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were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
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Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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