Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
