Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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