I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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