What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
