I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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