his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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