Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
