I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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