Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
