a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
