There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
