I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize