i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
