then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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