My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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