guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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