if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
