I think I died a long time ago.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
