Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
