Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
