Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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