just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
