In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
