i think my tv is drunk
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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