i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
