How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
