I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
