What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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