After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
