Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
