I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
