Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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