Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
