I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
