Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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