i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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