Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
