you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
