I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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