There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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