Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
