How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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