is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
